Last night I was feeling a little anxious about the baby. I decided to get my emotions into my journal. I'll retype the entry, and then I'll let you know what happened less than 5 minutes later.
"4 weeks is a long time to wait in between doctor visits just to be reassured the baby is alright. I find myself becoming anxious again after only one or two weeks since seeing the doctor and confirming the baby is still alive. I haven't felt the baby since back at 15 weeks, and its been two weeks since I heard its heartbeat - How do I know its OK? I imagine these are natural emotions, but they are unnerving just the same. Fueling my anxiety are thoughts such as: I drank some herbal peppermint tea this week; I ate a little Feta cheese which was sprinkled in my restaurant salad; I tasted a bratwurst sample at the grocery store; I had sprouts on my sandwich; I was very sick during Molly's wedding and so in desperation I took Sudafed regularly for two days; I've slept on my back a few times; I drink hot chocolate; perhaps one of my Heparin injections accidentally went too deep and punctured the placenta; maybe my showers are too hot; I still take baths (with my doctor's permission, but still....) These are some of my thought as I rack my "instincts" to see if I sense whether or not something is wrong. Hopefully I will calm down once I can be regularly assured by the baby's movements. In the meantime, I'm just being ridiculous. Aren't I?"
Five minutes later I saw something that made my heart stop: blood. My mind went blank for just a moment and I just stared. I remembered only too well what happened with my last pregnancy after seeing the same thing...
Tears of disbelief came and I just thought over and over, "No, no, no!"
I ran into the bedroom and just dropped to my knees pleading. Not again, not again. Not after this long, all the sickness, all the injections. Not after getting so close! I was only there a short minute when a calmness began to come over me. At first I didn't trust it, but it stayed with me until I quietly asked if I could please feel some sort of reassurance that the baby was alright. I stayed there a little while longer but with nothing left to do I lied back on the bed and just rested my hands on my belly. The anxiety was mostly gone, but I was still hoping for a little hint of something when... "thump." Something hit my hand. Then from inside came another little "thump thump." And with a small smile on my face, all was still again.
p.s. For the record, I wrote this entry a couple of days ago but wanted to wait before posting it to make sure the scare was really over. So far so good. Also, later that night Dave reminded me of my first ultrasound at 8 weeks. The nurse said she could see a little pocket of blood trapped from the month prior to conception. She said it would either be absorbed or released and not to worry if it was the latter. I'm going to assume that was it. I still think waiting 4 weeks is a long time for reassurance. I'm anxious for my April 6 ultrasound.
4 comments:
Oh Abby, how scary! I'm so glad everything is ok and that you can hopefully relax. And how reassuring to have an answer to your prayer so soon after praying it. You're a good seed, Abby Thuet. I'll say an extra prayer for you and your munchkin. I miss you.
That is scary, especially after all you guys have been through. I totally know what you mean, though about not knowing early on if the baby is doing ok. I was always so anxious for my next appointment so I could hear the heartbeat and reassure myself that things were fine. We'll keep you guys in our prayers!
I almost cried when i read your post. I'm happy to hear everything is fine. I don't know how you bear the shots. I wish I could have visited with you more in st george. love ya
How the heck do you know Ben and Whitney Schafer?! I grew up with Whitney- danced with her, in the same stake... known her since I was born. That's crazy!!!
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